the deal
by clairebare
Summary: can jane and lisbon be saved?
1. Chapter 1

"Ok, I've got five minutes. Whattya got?"

"_A genius detective goes on the lam from justice after he kills the man who killed his family."_

"Ok, is there a hook here?"

"_He's tracked down in South America by the FBI who force him to work for them solving crimes. If he doesn't he'll be imprisoned for the murder."_

"I like it. Don't love it. Who are you thinking about for the lead?"

"_The actor who plays Patrick Jane."_

"He's a good-looking guy, right? You got recent pictures?"

"_This is him in his most recent episode and this is him in the upcoming episode."_

'What's with the grey suit? And why so sad?"

"_He's about to strangle the man who killed his wife and daughter."_

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. My condolences. Now this second one, I like. Now you're talking. Bright perky colors, big smile. He's dancing. Can you get him to smile all the time? Is there a girl involved?"

"_Here's a picture."_

"Pretty girl. Pretty eyes. Something wrong with her legs? I'm seeing pants in every picture. And when I see all pants, I get worried. Have her come in in a skirt and heels and we'll take a look. And tell her she could use a little help up top."

"_We can have her come in."_

"Now does he bag this broad or is it one of those "will they or won't they" things? Because the female viewer 18-49 likes to see the hero bag someone. Doesn't have to be right away but not so long that the female viewer gets "blue balls." Know what I'm saying?"

"_But we think the tension between—"_

"Don't make it complicated. If the female viewership sees great looking guys having a great time with great looking girls, that's all they need."

"_But the actor has a wide dramatic range and the tragic backstory—"_

"Look, I have another meeting. But if he'll smile and dance and she doesn't have piano legs and they do it soon, you have a deal."


	2. Chapter 2

"I wanted to sit down with you. We saw the episode Sunday. Me and my wife." 

"_Did you like it?"_

"Me? I don't know from pretty boy shows. I go by what Marcy likes."

"_So?"_

"She likes that guy with the curls and the teeth. I could tell by the way she shifted in her seat. You know what that means, don't ya?"

"_Yes, I can imagine."_

"So based on that focus group of one, and trust me, Marcy's never wrong, she always captures the…what do you creative types call it? The zeitgeist, that's it. Here's my notes. You got a pen and paper?"

"_Ok, I'm ready."_

"One. Why couldn't the wind blow the sarong up? You missed a big opportunity there. "

"Two. Can he wear the sarong all the time? It could become a signature with him. Females 18-49 would tune in hoping he'll catch a stiff breeze."

"Three. Dump the shoes and get him a pair of those gladiator sandals that lace up the leg. Russell Crowe wore them and look where he is. This blond guy's got the gams for it. Don't be stingy with the viewer. Are you afraid to make money or something?"

"_But the actor is a very serious talent and-"_

"Four. Why couldn't he have had sex with that babe on the island? She could have jumped him while he was passed out. Gal on guy rape hasn't been done that much. We could be talking Emmy here. That could be another signature. The guy that brings out the brute in every woman. Make a great promo. Ooh-ooh. Here's another idea for a signature. Every episode when he falls asleep, some woman sneaks in and jumps his bones. And then, he wakes up and doesn't remember it and thinks he's still mourning his wife. Great place for a weekly guest cameo. Cross- promotional opportunities. Maybe someone from the Big Bang."

"_I don't know if-"_

"Five. When you did that cross-cut between him dancing and the girlfriend reading his letters? Wouldn't it be much much better if the girlfriend's in bed with some guy instead of reading? You know, some big dark-haired hunk so females 18-49 can keep the two guys straight in their heads. The old girlfriend deserves to have fun too. It'll make all these feminists happy. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and all that shit."

"_The whole dynamic that we're trying to create is-"_

"Six. He reunites with this girlfriend he wrote all the letters to, yes? They're in an empty room together after two years, yes? Marcy was loving that. But wouldn't it have made sense for him to slip her a little tongue? Then the other girl could walk in on him frenching the old girlfriend and both girls could storm off in a huff and wind up becoming friends and maybe teaming up against him to catch him with a third girl. That's drama."

"_We could toss your ideas around."  
_

"One more thing and I'll let you go. This old girlfriend? Couldn't you have given her a cop outfit that fit? On other shows, they wear them tight and sexy with cleavage. You know, the hot sheriff in the hick town starving for love? Along the same lines, she shows up to meet her old boyfriend wearing some kind of baggy trench coat. Another blunder on wardrobe's part. Any woman would have worn a short tight dress with five inch heels so he would eat his heart out at what he was missing all those years. That would be much more realistic. This is an easy fix. I urge you in the strongest terms to show me this actress wearing something that shows a little leg next week. The female 18-49 likes to show a little leg."


	3. Chapter 3

"Thanks for coming in early."

"_No problem."_

"Listen, we caught the show last night. Me and my wife."

"_The Green Thumb episode? What did you think?" _

"Almost no frowns from the lead guy. Marcy liked that. His hair looks even blonder. That also worked for her. Here's a thought I had driving in this morning. How about giving him one of those One Direction haircuts? That might bring my daughter and her friends into the viewership. Never forget the younger cohort in this business. But listen, Marcy misses the sarong. We discussed it could be a signature for him. What happened to that?"

"_We tossed the idea around but decided it wouldn't work in the colder climate of the U.S."_

"So he'll wear knee high socks when it's cold. You had the perfect set up for that when the old girlfriend gave him the socks. She could have rolled them slowly up his bare legs. And the winter sarong could be wool. I'd have no problem with a variety of sarongs."

"_We were thinking about maybe bringing back the vest—-"_

"If you want to him to wear the vest, skip the shirt underneath, OK?

"_We'll revisit that."_

"I'm not finished with my wardrobe comments. When am I gonna see that girlfriend in a skirt? He's worn a skirt for god's sake. I want to see that broad in something revealing. She needs a wardrobe that's aspirational for the female 18 to 49. And that means halter tops, short shorts, micro-minis and f-me shoes. She's always in these frumpy pants and blazers. No wonder the poor bastard doesn't want to do it with her."

"_That's an interesting way to look at it."_

"On a positive note, Marcy liked the shot of his ass when he got in the van. Very tastefully done. Put a few more of those in every episode."

"_We'll look for those opportunities." _

"I have to go to my kid's recital so let me leave you with one more point. The code with the list of names, what was it, The Blake Society? That Red John thing? Enough with that. No one cares what happened there. Pretend he never had a wife and a kid that were killed. Or that he killed the guy after ten years of looking. Enough with the depth. Now he's sassy, sexy, smart and ready for love. Get it? Got it? Good."


	4. Chapter 4

"I wanted us to talk before we leave for winter hiatus. I have a few more thoughts."

"_Oh. Love to hear them." _

"I'm thinking that the whole problem with the old Jane is he was too classy. You know, with the three piece suits and the poetry and the reading and the tea?"

"_We thought that—"_

"Bear with me. I'm trying to pay you a compliment here. I think your instincts in losing some of that stuff are excellent."

"_I actually think that you were the one who-"_

"The seedy beard. The wrinkled shirt. Genius. He's a great looking guy but if you bring him a little closer in wardrobe and personal hygiene to what the female 18-49 is married to, you make her feel less despondent about who she really has to do it with. Are you following me?"

"_I think I see what you're saying."_

"So why not run with it. Ditch the jacket. How about a Hawaiian shirt? I know you guys have dug in your heels about the sarong so I'm gonna give you your head there. I'll never mention it again even if it is a brilliant idea. But if we do the shirt and surfer shorts, I think it's a much more relatable look."

"_That seems kind of-"_

"And give him a pair of those Teva sandals. And have him grow a long braid but just in the back. The top hair should be short and curly. You give him an earring. And I think you have an approachable guy. Nobody has to feel bad about themselves around a guy like that."

"_We'll certainly-"_

Now this old girlfriend, she has lots of potential. She's sort of a blue collar chick, right? Like to be at his level, she's had to put her tootsies in an upper berth, right?

"_Tootsies in an upper berth?"_

Yeah, it's like he's above her. No woman wants that. The female 18-49 is more comfortable thinking a man's beneath her.

"_I'm not sure if I'm getting your point." _

"My point is let who she is dictate things like what they eat and drink. Go downscale. No more restaurants with napkins. No tea or wine. Just beer and booze. And let them both be crazy for Pop Tarts. And Glade candles. Who knows maybe we could get product placement money. And I hate to bring up her clothes again. But you are so stubborn about this. I'm thinking short jeans skirt, off the shoulder polka dot blouse and pink platform mules. And give her a stick of gum. "

"_I'll certainly convey your-"_

"Now the Airstream is a brilliant move. A guy in a Hawaiian shirt and surfer shorts and a long braid and a beard and an earring and Teva sandals lives in an Airstream in the FBI parking lot. That is cute as a button."

"_Actually we weren't thinking-"_

"Maybe he could have a little still out back. A still in the FBI parking lot. That's perfect. And him and his hoochie mama can drink moonshine and sit out all night and shoot cans off the roof of the trailer.

"_I'm sure we can make some-" _

What's the matter? You seem upset. I know how hard it is to strip a show of the elements you created. Some stuff that you're married to. But you creative guys are fantastic. You'll come up with new elements. I've got faith."

"_Well, I hope you have a happy holiday." _

"Yeah you too. Wait, this is not a dictate. But think about getting him a parrot."


	5. Chapter 5

"Thanks for taking some time off the set to meet."

"_No problem."_

"I saw 'White Lines,' the other night. Is that the name? Yeah. I'm happy to see names without red in it. Very smart move. The fan base is allergic to that color. "

"_Well, we wanted you to know that we're cooperating in any way we can."_

"And that will be significant when you bring us your next project. It shows us you're willing to play ball. You changed the outfit, added the beard, made that 'mourning his family thing' go bye-bye, got rid of that jalopy. Turned him into a skirt-chasing man-about-town. Kudos to you."

"_Well thanks. We'd still like to tie up some threads from the first five seasons."_

"You're killing me. I thought you were done with that dreck."

"_I'll convey your thoughts on that."_

"Yes. Convey my thoughts, willya? But let's get back to what a genius you are. This last episode. He goes on a date with a beautiful blonde. Then these two brunettes wonder what his type is. Genius."

"_We think we're building an interesting relationship between them."_

"They're wondering what his type is. They're both after him. That's the relationship. Here's my thought. And it's a way to weave in some of the backstory you're so in love with. What if the two girls find out the dead wife had an amazing rack. Like a double d cup?

"_Double d?"_

"You're familiar with that old story where two women interview for the same job? One's from Harvard, the other's from Yale? Who does the guy hire? The one with the biggest tits. Funny right?"

"_Amusing."_

"So each of them starts doing stuff like bending over his couch in v-neck tops. They drive the lead guy wild. He doesn't know which one to choose."

"_Uh…that's not what we were thinking when we added another woman agent."_

"Don't break my heart here. I really went to bat for you guys on this."

"_Went to bat?"_

"I got the studio so hot for the 'what's his type?' idea, they're willing to make an investment in the concept. You know, even the odds between the two girls."

"_An investment?"_

"I fixed it so the studio will assume the cost of a pair of big ones for the small chick. Great, huh? Who's your daddy, huh?"

"_Listen, don't think we don't appreciate your support but-" _

"Support? You're a funny man. A funny, funny man."

"_I don't know if the actress-"_

"She's gonna love it. I'm talking the good Brazilian tits; not that Beverly Hills shit. And we can work the whole procedure and recovery into the story arc. The flat chested chick disappears. He searches high and low for her. Finds her in a clinic with her chest all bandaged and realizes she did it for him. He's touched. He unwraps the bandages as she twirls in slo-mo. Can't you see the promos? 'Join us tonight for a very special Mentalist.'"


End file.
